Resident Evil 4: HUNK Style!
by Agent HUNK
Summary: Leon cracks up during the first few seconds of his mission, so Hunnigan sends in a replacement agent. Lo and behold, its Agent HUNK. While HUNK attempts to complete the mission, Leon tries to regain control and return to his position as the protagonist.
1. Chapter 1

This story is the unholy lovechild of my love of Resident Evil and playing Mercenaries a lot in RE4.

Now, if people ask about it enough, I may write serious fan fic or two about HUNK...

Ahem. **Resident Evil, Agent HUNK, Big Macs, and all other symbols and products mentioned/referenced/used/parodied in this story are property of their respective owners. I do not claim ownership of anything. I own nothing whatsoever. So please don't sue me. **

* * *

10 Years... 

10 have past since the Outbreaks. I was part of the USS unit sent in to retrieve the G-Virus sample from William Birkin. My codename was Agent HUNK, but to my comrades I was known as Mr. Death. Things went smooth at first. We infiltrated the lab with ease, and found Birkin alongside the samples. Things went a little downhill when Birkin refused to turn over the sample. He knew what Umbrella wanted it for. Death. Destruction. War. He had only intended it for medicinal purposes, and was going to turn it over to the US Government, along with all the info on Umbrella's Black Projects. We attempted to obtain the samples without trouble... But a jumpy agent with an itchy trigger finger got spooked and shot the poor guy. His life wasn't important, but the research was. We left him for dead and took the G-Virus samples. Our mission was accomplished.

Or so we had thought. Birkin had somehow kept one sample. Injecting himself with the virus, whether to prolong his life, take vengance, or conduct one final test, he transformed into a hideous creature. While preparing for evac, he ambushed our squad in the sewers. We were no match for that abomination. He wiped us out. No survivors. The samples were spilt into the sewers, and the G-Virus was spread to the population of Racoon City. Soon... the Worst Case Scenario came to be. A full viral outbreak in a large population center. The entire city became overrun with zombies, mutants, and other such things. Eventually, the governement contained the outbreak... by nuking the city.

My squad was murdered. My unit was wiped out. I was left for dead.

But the Death cannot Die.

* * *

Leon stepped out of the SUV, examining his surroundings. He was in the middle of the boonies, Spanish-style. Rope bridges, log cabins, the works. Leon sighed. He always got these crappy jobs. Some psychos had kidnapped the Presidents daughter. Woopdie-doo. Why did they have to send him? He had no anti-terrorist experience. He just excelled in killing monsters and shooting things until they stopped twitching. So why send him? Its not like he'd have to fight monsters or something... 

"Oi! Cowboy!" the Policia agent sneered at him from inside the SUV. "What's the hold up? Go check that suspicious looking cabin over there!"

Leon looked over at the pitiful excuse at the end of the path. "That one?" he nodded. The cop glared at him. "Okay... Okay..." Leon pulled out his pistol and checked his watch. He hoped to get this mission done over with fast. He had tickets to a ball game tommorrow. He figured he'd go in, ask a few questions, and if the guy didn't want to talk, he'd shoot his kneecaps out and ask nicely.

"..." The cops watched as Leon crept over to the front door. Without knocking, he went inside. "El Americano es un idioto..." the driver shoot his head.

Leon slowly made his way inside. The house was dusty and infested with cobwebs. As he turned and entered the living room of the house, he found himself in the presence of some old guy. The man was shoving stuff into a fireplace, and the smell of burnt meat filled the air. Was he cooking burgers? Leon was starving... "Excuse me?"

"Eh?" the old man glared over his shoulder.

"Are you cooking burgers?" Leon asked, his mouth watering at the mere thought of a Big Mac.

"Yo quiero mater usted..." the man growled, sneakily reaching for a hatchet.

"Oh, right, I'm in Spain..." Leon paused to think. "Yo... quieroooo... un... hamburgesa... por favor?" Leon asked.

"MUERE!" the man screamed, swinging the weapon quite innaccurately at Leon.

"Dude, you don't have to be so greedy!" Leon jumped backwards. "Have you seen this girl, then?" Leon held out a picture of the President's daughter.

"EL NINA DE EL PRESEDENTE!" the man's eyes widened. "UN AGENTE DE LOS AMERICANOS!"

"You love America?" Leon smiled. "That's great!"

"**_Crrrck_**... LEON!" his radio yelled at him from his belt.

"Huh?" Leon looked down, "Wassat?"

"Leon, shoot him!" a woman yelled through the radio.

"Okay..." Leon shrugged. As the man ran at Leon, the hatchet raised high above his head to strike, Leon raised his gun.

**_BLAM BLAM BLAM!!!_**

"PORQUE?!" the man dropped to his knees and screamed as blood sprayed from the bullet holes in his chest.

"I'M SORRY!" Leon pulled a box of bandages out of his jacket and rushed to the man's aid. "THE RADIO LADY THING TOLD ME TO DO IT!!!" Leon did his best to save the man, but there was nothing he could do to fix three point blank shots to the heart. The man died in Leon's arms, a look of hatred still stuck on his face. "NOOOOOOO!!!!" Leon screamed, lifting a blood-smeared hand to the ceiling. "HE WAS SO YOUNG!!! SO YOUNNNNNG!!!"

"Okay, screw it," the radio squacked. "You're a bad choice for this mission. We're sending somebody else in..."

"He didn't deserve it... And its all because I wanted a burger..."

"And he will relieve you of your duties..."

"What?!" Leon jumped to his feet, kicking the corpse out of his way. "No way you're replacing me with some other dude!"

"Too late, I already called it in..."

"Bullcrap, radio lady! Bullcrap!"

"My name is Hunnigan..."

"Hunnigan? What kind of woman goes by the name Hunnigan?" Leon raised an eyebrow.

**_Crrrrrrck._**

"Hello? Hello? Honey-Bun? Where'd ya go?" Leon shook the radio like a broken toy.

* * *

Thus ends the first chapter. Who shall this new operative be? Gee, I wonder... 


	2. Chapter 2

Been playing Resident Evil 4 all day and trying to sharpen my skills at Mercenaries. Not suprisingly, I now feel like writting a new chapter. Also, I goofed on chapter 1. RE4 takes place 6 years after RE2. Oops! And I lowered the rating to T because M stories don't show up unless you search for them. Oh well, it won't be that bad. ... Actually it will be. Hahah!

I still don't own RE, Mortal Kombat, or anything for that matter. So lawsuits wouldn't be nice.

* * *

"Hey, wassat?" the Policia agent raised his head upon hearing the sounds of an approaching car. Glancing over his shoulder, he saw another SUV driving over the rope bridge. "Que?" 

"Hm?" the other cop looked at the oncoming vehicle. "Maybe they sent backup for us?"

"Porque? This isn't that big a deal..." the driver shrugged. The SUV pulled up next to them and stopped. The two men sat with baited breath as the waited for the driver to step out. After a few seconds, the engine turned off, and the driver-side door opened.

"Woah," both men's mouths dropped open.

Out of the SUV stepped a black-clad soldier. With a bullet-proof vest, a gas mask, helmet, and leather from head to toe, he was a scary sight. The TMP sub-machine gun strapped to his side didn't reduce his threatening appearance. "Hmmm..." they heard the man muse as he looked at the surrounding trees. It was as if he didn't care they were there.

"Oi, cowboy! What you doin' here?" the driver waved at the man. He turned to face them, tilting his head slightly to the side. "You workin' with that other guy?"

The man nodded. "Yeah..." he replied in a gruff tone.

"He's in the cabin," the policia agent pointed at the rickety shack across the clearing.

"Hm..."

"Who are you?"

"The name's HUNK."

"Hunk?"

"Agent HUNK."

"What kind of name is that?"

Agent HUNK stared at the man through his red-tinted goggles. The two men in the SUV started to laugh at the soldier's name. Agent HUNK quietly began to walk away. There was no sense in killing them. He wasn't working for Umbrella anymore. Since their collapse, he had been a free agent. Recently the US Government had picked him up and started using him for some of their special missions. It seemed the agent on mission had been found to be a bad choice, and a replacement had been needed.

It seemed he was the man for the job, as always.

* * *

Leon sat in the corner of the cabin, contemplating his orders. He had been given a mission. But now somebody else had that mission. Was he supposed to quit? Go home? Or did he need to work alongside this new operative? Or were they rivals? Did he have to face him in a bout of Mortal Combat? Leon's expression darkened, and he clentched his fists. There was no way some new recruit was going to take his mission away! 

"Excuse me?" a voice made Leon jump. He looked behind him and saw a man in bullet-proof armor and black clothing standing in the doorway. "Are you Leon?"

"Yeah..." Leon replied. "Who are you?"

"Agent HUNK, you're replacement."

Leon's eyes narrowed. "Hmmm..."

"Is something wrong?"

Leon jumped to his feet and assumed a karate pose. "MORTAL KOMBAT!!!" he screamed at the top of his lungs.

HUNK just stared at him. "Ooooookay..."

"MORTAL KOMBAT!!!" Leon dove at his rival. HUNK stepped to the side, and Leon flew through the doorway. HUNK slammed the door shut behind him.

"Well, that was interesting..." HUNK adjusted his gas mask, "No wonder they replaced him with me..."

"Ay... Ayudame..." a weak voice croaked from the kitchen. HUNK slowly crept into the room, and found a man sprawled out on the floor. He had several gunshot wounds in the center of his chest. "Por favor, ayuda-"

**_RATATATAT!!!_**

HUNK shrugged as he fired a short TMP burst into the man. "Sorry pal, no witnesses."

"NOOOOOO!!!!!" a sudden scream caused HUNK to jump. He spun around to face the nearest window. Leon had his face pressed against the window, tears streaming down his face. "PEDROOOOO!!! NOOOOO!!!!!"

"Um... Hunnigan?" HUNK switched on his radio.

"Yes?" his supervisor replied.

"I have made contact with Leon, and supressed one enemy combatant. Leon seems to have-"

"Gone off the deep end?"

"Yep."

"Just ignore him. Finish your mission, and-"

**_Vrrrrooooom, vrooooooom. Errrrrrrrk. Sqeeeeeeeeeeeeck. Vrrrrrrrooooooooom. _**

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

**_Vrrrrrooooom, vroooooom. Errrrrrrk, craaaaaaash. Boooooooom. Errrrrrrrrrrk, kraaaaaash._**

"What was that?" HUNK reloaded his TMP and prepared for war.

"Oh, some truck just ran into the two SUVs and pushed them off a cliff. Poor Policia guys didn't stand a chance..." Leon informed him from the other side of the window.

"And you didn't do anything to help!?"

"Do I look like a highway patrol officer? Uh oh!" Leon gasped as two men grabbed him by the arms.

"MATAR!!!" one of the men screamed.

"SANGRE!" the other yelled.

"GET DOWN!" HUNK barked, fired his TMP through the window. The two men screamed as round after round of screaming metal tore through their flesh. Leon screamed as well. He was the loudest, and had the highest pitch. "Are you alright?" HUNK dove through the window and then fired two short bursts into the men, verifying their deaths.

"I'm fine, just a bit traumatized. Did you get them all?"

"I think so."

"Are there any more?"

"Don't think so," HUNK shook his head.

Suddenly, a hatchet sailed by, narrowly missing his face and grazing the side of Leon's head. A small lock of Leon's golden hair dropped to the ground. "Ya sure?"

**_RATATATAT!!!!_**

**_Thud._**

"Yep."

"Okay then, lets go!" Leon smiled and started to walk off.

"And you're leading the way... why?"

"Because I have the map."

"What map?"

"The map I took off Pedro after I shot- I mean, after he fell asleep. Heh heh?" Leon smiled innocently. He then held up a piece of paper. "This map."

**_WHAM!_**

HUNK pistol whipped Leon in the face with his TMP. "WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!" Leon screamed, blood spurting from his nose.

"Sorry, it was supposed to knock you out..."

**_WHAM WHAM!!!_**

Leon hit the floor, out cold. "Okay, it worked that time..." HUNK plucked the map from Leon's grasp. "And now to save Ashley..."

* * *

I see the beginning of a long and comical rivalry beginning... 


	3. Chapter 3

Wow, I'm glad everybody likes this story! Thanks a lot for the reviews! Now lets see how well Mr. Death does against Dr. Salvador!

Warning: This chapter has a ton of blood, gore, and violence. I'm sure you'll enjoy it.

* * *

To most people, it was like a trip through Hell. To HUNK, it was a normal walk through the country-side. As he travelled through the woods down dirt paths, weapon wielding villagers continued to pop out of nowhere. He had come across a dog with its leg stuck in a bear trap. Being an animal lover, he had released the poor creature. As he continued his journey, he found an area with several tripwires strung between trees. As he debated whether to blow them up or walk around them, a crazed villager came running down the hill. Wielding a pitchfork, the man was intent on spilling blood. "YEAAAARG!!!!!" 

"Hm..." HUNK mused as he raised his TMP and fired one shot. The bullet tore through the man's leg, blew out his kneecap, and sent him stumbling down the hill and into one of the bombs.

**_KABLOW!!!_**

HUNK casually walked through the cloud of smoke and human dust. As he continued down the path, he was ambushed several more times. Each time, a short burst from his TMP fixed whatever problem he had. Finally, he approached the gates to the town. Checking his ammo, reloading his gun, and adjusting his goggles were the only things he did before barging through the door.

-----

Meanwhile, Leon was following him stealthily. "Steal my glory, will he..." Leon growled. "I'll show him..." Unfortunately, Leon didn't notice the bear traps.

**_KLANG!!!!_**

"YEOW!!!" Leon screamed as the steel slammed shut around his shin. "Ow... Well, it isn't too bad..." Leon tried to pry the metal apart. But he wasn't strong enough to do so. Standing there with his leg stuck, and without the strength to break free, Leon did the only thing he could do: Scream for help. "HELLLLLLLLLLLLLP!!!!! HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"

-----

HUNK on the other hand had his own problems to deal with. Slowly, he walked through the entrance of the village. Nobody noticed the stranger in their midst at first. But then came a cry of "EL AMERICANO ES EN EL PUEBLO!!!" Instantly, everyone in the center of the town dropped what they were doing and turned to face HUNK.

"Hmmm..." HUNK looked side to side. There were villagers everywhere, all wielding farm tools of varying degrees of sharpness. It was like some sort of Hell for farmers. With a smug smile, HUNK pulled a grenade from his pocket and primed it. "Step right up, folks..."

"AAAAAARRRRGH!!!!" a beared man cam running at HUNK, a hatchet raised above his head. The moment he came close enough, HUNK reached out and grabbed him by the throat. With brute force, HUNK shoved the explosive weapon into the man's mouth and hurled him back at the mass of crazed villagers.

"Adios mi amigos!" HUNK waved. A second later, the grenade exploded. The man was obliterated, and most of the surrounding villagers were mangled and maimed. "Now for mop up..." HUNK muttered, drawing his TMP. With deadly efficiency, he walked back and forth to the wounded villagers, firing short bursts into their skulls to finish them off. "This is easy... Where is the challenge?"

"MATAR!!!" a loud voice yelled from behind him. HUNK spun around and found himself surrounded by a larger group of villagers. It seemed reinforcements had arrived.

"Found it," HUNK smirked as he pulled the trigger. Raking the gunfire back and forth, he shot the legs out from under most of the villagers. Once they were on their knees, he ran up and performed a flying roundhouse kick with such force that the heads popped off several of the villagers in his path. The moment he landed, HUNK started running. The villagers followed him, much to his delight. Around the town he went, making sure every villager he could find was behind him. Then, once the group was large enough, he threw a grenade over his shoulder as he ran.

**_FABOOOM!!!_**

Screams of shock and agony filled the air, along with bits and pieces of Spanish farmers. "PORQUE?!" one man screamed as he was shredded by the blast. HUNK spun around and fired his TMP into whatever was left. It only took a few bullets to drop the two still-standing villagers. They were dead before they hit the ground.

"Hm... guess that takes care of the welcome wagon..." HUNK reloaded his TMP casually.

**_Brrrrrrrrrrrrrp. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp. BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPP!!!!!!!_**

HUNK turned around to face the source of the noise. His eyes widened in shock from what he saw. Running straight at him was a robust farmer whith a potatoe sack over his head. In his hands he held a revved up chainsaw. "AAAAIIIIIII!!!!!!" the man screamed as he quickly closed the distance between them. With a loud yell, he swung the chainsaw at HUNK's neck.

"Woah!" HUNK quickly jumped backwards, narrowly avoiding the blade. His sudden dodge of the weapon caused the chainsaw maniac to lose his balance. Without a second thought, HUNK fired a short burst into the man's face. The villager screamed in agony, but didn't die. HUNK realized it would take more than a few bullets to kill the guy. So he did the only thing he could think of.

HUNK rushed forward and grabbed the man. He spun around behind him and wrapped his hands around the potatoe sack. Siezing a firm grip, he twisted the man's head around as far as he could.

**_KRUNCH._**

HUNK let go of the man's head and allowed his limp body to drop to the ground. The chainsaw shut off once it hit the dirt. "Well, I guess that takes care of everything..." HUNK sighed. He looked around at the carnage he had caused. There were were two large smoking craters in the center of the town, and bodies lay strewn all over the town. Blood was smeared on the walls of almost every building. The only thing still alive was a chicken. But a loose tile from one of the roofs fell on that the moment HUNK noticed it. So it seemed that HUNK had killed every living thing in the quiet little village.

It was all in a day's work.

"Now where could the President's daughter be?" HUNK asked himself as he decided to search the empty town for clues.

* * *

Ah, conflict. The spice of life...


	4. Chapter 4

Huzzah, violence! Lets see what I can cook up for this chapter!

Also, I don't own the "English" line from Pulp Fiction.

* * *

Leon was having a bad day. First he had shot an innocent man, then he had been replaced for this mission, some dude had pistol-whipped him into a bloody pulp, and now he was struggling to make it into the village. He had been walking for what seemed like hours. His progress was slowed by the bear trap he was being forced to drag along with him. "This..." Leon panted as he struggled towards the gate to the town, "Has got to be..." he gasped for breath, "The worst that can happen..." 

Leon finally made it to the door. Pushing it open, he found himself looking at a scene from Hell. The town was in ruins. Bodies and body parts littered the small village. Two large craters were still smouldering, and it seemed one small barn had caught on fire during the aftermath. And it seemed that the villagers wanted revenge. In the center of the town, several villagers were piling wood and garbage around a large pole which had a meat-hook hanging from it. Two men were holding one of the policia officers down, and he was screaming for help. "AYUDAME!!!" (I think that is how it is spelled...)

"They must want revenge for what that other guy did! I MUST SAVE HIM!!!" Leon exclaimed. "I'M COMING BUDDY!!!!" Leon took off running towards the crowd, waving his handgun in the air.

"Eh?" some of the villagers looked up. "Quien es el idioto?" some of them asked each other.

"No se..." one of them shrugged. "No es importante... MATAR!!!"

"Uh oh," Leon stopped running when all the villagers pulled out weapons. "Maybe this was a bad idea..."

"VOY A MATER USTED!!!" a woman wielding a sickle shrieked and ran towards him.

Something inside Leon snapped.

"I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE SAYING!!!" he roared. Without warning, Leon jumped up in the air and roundhouse kicked her in the face. "STOP SPEAKING GIBBERISH!!!"

Everyone froze. The sight of some idiot spazzing out and laying the smack-down on some random woman made them all rethink attacking him. "Uh... Yo tengo ir a el bano..." one guy muttered, slowly sneaking off.

"NO MORE JIBER-JABBER!!!" Leon hurled a chicken egg he picked up off the ground at the guy. The egg smacked him in the face, shattering and spraying its contents everywhere.

"MI OJOS!!!" the man shrieked, dropping to his knees and clawing at his face. "NO MIRO!!!"

"ES EL DIABLO!!!" some of the villagers screamed, frightened by the stranger's ability to blind people from across the village.

"WHAT DID I JUST SAY?!" Leon snarled, running at the crowd of people.

"AAAAAAAHHHH!!!" the all screamed, scattering like roaches and running for their lives.

"Muchos gracios, mi amigo..." the cop thanked Leon as he got up off the ground.

"SHUT UP!!!" Leon roundhouse kicked him i nthe throat. The man flew backwards and was impaled on the pole's meat-hook.

"PORQUE!?" he screamed as the flames consumed him.

"I SAID SHUT UP!!!" Leon drew his gun and emptied the contents of the pistol into the man's torso.

An eerie silence fell over the village. There was no noise other than the crackle of the flames and the panting of the crazed American. In a nearby tree, a crow surveyed the carnage. "Caw! Caw! Ca-"

**_BLAM BLAM BLAM!!!_**

"ENLISH, BIRDIE!!! DO YOU SPEAK IT?!" Leon screamed at the twitching corpse of the crow.

-----

Meanwhile, Agent HUNK was making was way through the surrounding areas. He ignored the sounds of gunfire in the distance, knowing it made major impact on his mission. He had killed anyone and anything he came across. Villagers, dogs, cows, birds, even little blue plastic things that were hanging from every other tree. He had found a note about them, and they appeared to be part of some game or something. It made no difference to HUNK. He was getting free target practise, at least.

As HUNK made his way into an abandoned building, he paused. He could hear a loud banging noise coming from the other room. After clearing the house of hostiles and traps, he made his way into the back room. He found a large piece of furniture, and it was bouncing around like crazy. Somebody was locked inside! HUNK unlocked the doors, and out spilled some Spanish guy. He was tied up and had duct tape over his mouth. "Hm?" HUNK aimed his TMP at the man's head, which made him squirm and sweat. "Another crazy villager?"

"Mmmm-mm! MMMM-MM!!!" the man shook his head. HUNK hesitated for a second, and then ripped the duct tape off his mouth. "I'M HUMAN!!! Don't shoot!"

"Human?" HUNK tilted his head to the side.

"Yes... long story... But first, answer me one question..." the man sat up as HUNK untied him.

"What?" HUNK replied.

"You got a smoke?" the man grinned.

"Nope..." HUNK shook his head.

"Mierda..." the guy frowned.

"Who are you?" HUNK asked.

"Me llamo es Luis Sera. Y tu?" he replied.

"Agent HUNK. What's going on here? Do you know-" HUNK was interupted by a large thumping noise.

"Oh great..." Luis grumbled. The two men watched in horror as a large man in a trench coat walked into the room, flanked by two villagers. He was huge, and his head barely avoided scraping the ceiling. "The big cheese..."

**_RATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATAT!!!!!_**

Agent HUNK emptied every bullet in his TMP into the guy's head and upper torso. He also fired a few shots into the two villagers, dropping them without trouble. The giant man stumbled backwards against the blood-covered wall behind him, his head shredded beyond recognition by the custom 9mm bullets.. He then crumpled to the floor, and didn't move or make a sound.

"Swiss cheese, you mean?" HUNK joked darkly.

"Woah," Luis stared at the carnage. "I gotta get me one of those."

* * *

And BOOM! Mendez is down for the count! Or is he? There's no telling with these guys...

I have no idea why I made Leon go crazy. The thought of him going psycho because he couldn't understand anything people said doesn't seem that far fetched...

Oh, right, translations!

"Help me!"

"Who is the idiot?"

"I don't know. Its not important. KILL!!!"

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!"

"Uh... I have to go to the bathroom..."

"MY EYES!!! I CAN'T SEE!!!"

"ITS THE DEVIL!!!"

"Thanks alot, my friend..."

"WHY?!"

"Crap."

"My name is Luis Seras. And you?"

It is fun to be bilingual.


	5. Chapter 5

Hmmm... Okay, my fellow Resident Evil fans, I need help. I have 2 ideas for Resident Evil stories after I finish this.

Story idea #1:

**Mercenary Madness**

Mercenary mode in RE4 was awsome. But what if there were more playable characters? Like Jack Sparrow, the Prince of Persia, or Alucard! Then it would be TOTALLY AWSOME!!! (Random violence and carnage involving new Mercenary players)

Or...

Story idea #2:

**To Serve and Protect**

The members of Racoon City's finest were trained to serve and protect. What they did was much, much more... (An R.P.D. officer does his best to serve, protect, and survive.)

Alright, those are my ideas. Tell me which one sounds the best, and I'll get to work on it once this story is done.

* * *

Killing was Agent HUNK's business. Death was his middle name. Seriously. So going back into town and wading through swarms of villagers and killing them in massive numbers didn't register as a problem to him. Luis was tagging along too, and the added firepower had helped cut down the village idiots quickly. But one thing kept bugging him from the back of his mind. 

"Where is that Leon guy?" HUNK thought out loud.

"You say something, amigo?" Luis looked over his shoulder as he attempted to pick the lock on a door in the village. They wanted to go through the big steel door with the funny symbol on it, but there wasn't a key anywhere nearby. So they decided to pick the lock.

"Nothing important," HUNK shook his head. "How's the door coming?"

**_BLAM BLAM BLAM!!!_**

"Its coming along pretty good!" Luis holstered his smoking pistol and lightly pushed the bullet-riddled door open.

"Great," HUNK raised his TMP. "I'll go first." HUNK quickly barged into the room and scanned his surroundings. It seemed like a dusty abandoned shack. But something was wrong with the room. Something was very out of place.

"Hello, thar stranga!" a masked and hooded man bellowed from the corner of the room. Flanked by two tall blue-flamed torches, he was wearing a blue trench coat and bandana over his mouth.

"Who are you?" HUNK trained his weapon on the man.

"I got sumthing tha' might interest ye!" the man pulled his coat open. The inside of it was lined with pistols, grenades, and an assortment of random bullets of many different sizes and shapes. "Heh heh heh!"

"Wow," Luis whistled at the weapons. "You got one of them machine guns like Mr. Goggles here has?"

"Maybe..." the gun seller looked at the two prospective customers suspiciously. "How much money ye got?"

"Money?" Luis patted his chest and pants. "I'm a bit short on pesetas..."

"Sorry, no money, no deal," the man shook his head.

"I've got a coupon," HUNK pressed the barrel of his TMP into the man's forehead.

"Tha's a reaaaaally good coupon ye got thar..." the man started to sweat. "What are ye buying?"

(A/N: I didn't make that coupon joke up. Its from one of my favorite webcomics, Penny Arcade. So yeah... Not my joke.)

"I need some bullets, a few grenades, and a map of the area..." HUNK replied, lowering his weapon.

"How 'bout this fanny pack?" the gun gurru pulled a small red pouch out of his jacket. "Ye strap it on yer belt and ye can carry extre stuff..."

"Does it come in blue?" Luis asked.

"Here ye go," the man handed him a blue fanny pack.

"Bueno!" Luis exclaimed as he clipped it on the right side of his belt. "What did you say your name was?"

"I'm just a humble Merchant, tryin' to make an honest livin'..." the man replied as he handed HUNK a map.

"I'll pay you back when I can..." HUNK stuffed the map into his supply pack.

"Thank ye..." the Merchant chuckled. "Heh heh heh..."

"That guy scares the everlovin' crap out of me..." Luis whispered as he and HUNK walked into the next room.

"I know, me too..." HUNK nodded.

------

HUNK and Luis fought their way through a graveyard, a mountainside path, and a swamp. Eventually, they came to a lake. "Hmmm..." HUNK walked up to a high spot near the lake, Luis trailing behind him. "That's a big lake..."

"You may wanna take a look with some binoculars... I think I see a boat!" Luis pointed at the center of the lake.

"Hm..." HUNK held a pair of binoculars in front of his eyes. Even through the red tint of his goggles, he could make out every detail of what he saw. "Oh, you've got to be kidding me..."

"LET ME GO!!!" Leon screamed as he struggled to get loose from the ropes binding him. The two villagers in the boat with him looked very annoyed. After reaching a good spot, they picked Leon up and unceramoniously plopped him down in the lake. Leon sank below the surface of the water, and they sped off.

Suddenly, Leon's head popped up out of the water. "HAH! I took Magic Class in high school! A+ in rope escaping tricks, baby!" The smile on his face quickly fell, however. "What's that rumbling noise?"

**_FABOOOOOSSSHHHH!!!!_**

Out of the water jumped a gigantic monster. It looked like the unholy offspring of a Kamodo dragon and a giant salamander, mixed in with an industrial sized dose of steroids. Leon shrieked like a little girl as the creature fell down on him, it's open mouth swallowing him whole.

**_KERSPLASSSSSSSSSSSHHH!!!!_**

Leon and the creature both dissappeared beneath the waves. The surface of the lake was soon placid and calm, and HUNK stared in shock and disbelief at what he had seen.

"Dude..." Luis patted HUNK on the shoulder, "Your friend got ate by a big lake lizard..."

"I know..." HUNK shook his head.

"But hey, at least it looked cool!" Luis shrugged and flashed one of his usual grins. "You've gotta admit that it was awsome!"

* * *

The Merchant, Luis, and HUNK. My three favorite RE4 characters, and an awsome combination... Hahah! Reviews would be nice to have, folks! 


	6. Chapter 6

This story has at least 3 chapters left. I may be able to stretch it out to 4. Obviously, I will not be able to re-write the whole game. I've screwed the plot up much too badly. So don't be suprised if Mr. Midget and Stabby Mc. Stabbers don't show up. Hah hah...

Disclaimer: I still don't own Resident Evil or Pinnochio. (Did I spell that right? If not, then I don't own the movie about the puppet with major need for a nose job.)

* * *

"I know this is a bad time to tell you this," Luis broke the silence as he and HUNK walked down the path to the lake, "But I think you should know..." 

"What?" HUNK looked over his shoulder.

"I lost my fanny pack..." Luis replied sadly.

"I'll buy you a knew one," HUNK held up a small bag of gold.

"Where did you get that?" Luis raised an eyebrow at the money.

"I pried it from the cold, dead, slimy fingers of a dying villager who's internal organs I tore out with my bare hands," HUNK replied stoicly.

"Mierda..." Luis shook his head, "That's messed up, amigo."

"Actually I found it in a box," HUNK shrugged. "Catch," he tossed the money behind him.

"Gracias!" Luis caught the bag easily. "Now what?"

"I think we need to go across the lake," HUNK pointed at the pier they had arrived at.

"Um... no," Luis turned around and began to walk briskly away.

"Get back here!" HUNK grabbed Luis by the shoulder.

"No! No! I don't wanna go on the boat! I don't wanna!" Luis pleaded as HUNK dragged him into the small water craft.

"Shut up and drive," HUNK sat Luis down by the motor. "I'll keep an eye out for Mr. Fishie..." HUNK picked up a large harpoon and surveyed the lake.

"Porque..." Luis looked upwards to the sky as he revved the motor. "Porque?"

------

"This... sucks... exponentially..." Leon mumbled as he walked around in the darkness. "I can't see a thing. Where's my flashlight?" Leon flicked the switch on the small light strapped to his belt. It turned on, and the darkness was illuminated. "Much better! Wait... Wow."

Leon stared at everything around. Bits of wood, hunks of metal, several skeletons, and an old station wagon littered the area around him. Leon scratched the back of his head and sighed. "Now how did Pinnochy-whatever get out of that whale?" Suddenly, the ground beneath Leon's feet began to shake, and the objects around him began to roll around. "Woah!" Leon dove out of the way as the station wagon slid past him. "That was close! What's going on!?"

-------

"DRIVE FASTER!!!" HUNK screamed at Luis.

"I'M GOING AS FAST AS I CAN!!!" Luis yelled as he revved the motor up as high as it could go. Behind their wimpy little boat, the lake monster was chasing them with its mouth wide open. "THROW A SPEAR!!!"

"Hurgh!" HUNK chucked the harpoon in his hand. The spear impaled the monster in the jaw, but it didn't seem to care.

"Try another one!" Luis replied frantically as he swerved the small boat back and forth in an attempt to shake off the beast.

"Gyagh!" HUNK hurled another spear at the monster. It jabbed the creature in the mouth, but didn't seem to cause much damage.

"ANOTHER ONE!!!" Luis screamed.

"Wait a sec..." HUNK ripped two grenades from his belt and hurled them at the monster. The small spheres of doom flew through the air and bounced into its mouth. "Get down!"

**_KABLOOOOOMM!!!!!_**

The sea creature's head exploded in a shower of blood, bone, and brains. It quickly sank beneath the surface of the lake, tainting the water red. "Well... that worked!" Luis shrugged happily.

"Yeah. I'd say it did..." HUNK nodded. "Now head for the other side of the lake," he pointed at a cabin on the opposite shore.

"You got it, amigo!" Luis smiled as he revved the engine back up.

---------

"I'M ALIVVVVVVVVVE!!!" Leon yelled happily as he broke through the surface of the lake. He looked around happily, but his joy soon turned to frustration. "Great... And wouldn't you know it, I failed gym class..." Leon grumbled as he began to swim to shore.

After an hour or so of swimming, Leon made his way into the mouth of a cave. Swimming through the darkness, he soon came across a large wooden structure. Climbing up onto dry "land" he let out a happy sigh. "Phew, I made it!"

"HELLO THAR, STRANGA!!!" a jovial voice bellow.

"WHOSAWHATSIT?!" Leon jumped and fumbled with his pistol, trying to pull the wet weapon from his belt.

"Sorry Stranga. Did I spook ya?" a man in a blue coat smirked from inside a small room. Leon slowly walked into the room and gasped. He was surrounded by guns.

"DUDE!!!" Leon grabbed a grenade launcher from a shelf. "HOW MUCH?!"

"80,000 pesetas, mate," the merchant of death replied.

"Er... I ain't got that much," Leon scratched the back of his head.

"Well then, no deal!" the Merchant replied with a dark chuckle.

"Er... GIVE ME THE GUN OR I'LL BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF!!!" Leon aimed the grenade launcher at the poor gun man's head.

"Two things, Stranga," the Merchant held up two fingers. "One... I don't load the weapons I put on display."

"Oh..." Leon lowered the grenade launcher slowly.

"And two..." the Merchant reached into his jacket and pulled out a rather large revolver. "My Broken Butterfly says otherwise."

"Er..." Leon stared down the barrel of the large handgun. "Do you take credit?"

* * *

Leave it to Leon to turn the Merchant into a gun-wielding maniac. Isn't it funny, though? He sells guns, yet he doesn't seem that violent. Maybe he's a pacifist or something? Hah... A pacifist gun merchant. THAT is ironic... 


	7. Chapter 7

Right, writers block... I'm trying to think of how to work out the plot holes I created... Oh well, this whole story IS a plot hole.

* * *

Most people would have screamed if a guy's head exploded and a funky looking squid thing came squirming out. (Luis did.) But HUNK merely raised his TMP and created a fresh dish of calamari. "That was wierd..." HUNK muttered as the once-again headless villager dropped to the ground. 

"It's a parasite. It eats your brains and controls your body, to sum it up," Luis shrugged.

"I won't ask how you know that..." HUNK shook his head.

Several minutes and many squid-headed monsters later, HUNK and Luis found themselves in a secret cave. "Oh yeah, cave behind a waterfall... What isn't cliche about these guys?" Luis commented. HUNK pulled a strange emblem off a door. "Wassat?"

"A key or something. I guess it is what we need to get in the church..." HUNK stuck it in his knapsack. (Or where-ever he keeps all that ammo and grenades at...) The door suddenly slid open, revealing another cave. "Onward, I suppose..."

Some more exploring and a quick boat trip led them too what could only be described as an underground store. "The music is pretty cool," Luis smiled as he hopped out of the boat. HUNK walked through the area and soon found none other than the Merchant standing behind a gun-covered counter. "Oh look, it's him again!" Luis exclaimed when he saw the gun guru. "I need a new fanny pack, amigo!"

"STOP SPEAKIN' THAT DEVIL TONGUE!!!" a voice screamed from behind the counter.

"What was _that_?" HUNK looked over the counter. "Oh..."

"My newest product!" the Merchant boasted. "Your own personal human meatshield!" The Merchant reached down and picked up Leon, who was tied up with ropes and chains. "Toss him in front of your enemies and run like there's no tommorrow! Which there won't be, for him at least..."

"I'll take five," Luis startd digging in his pockets.

"How much?" HUNK sighed.

"2000 pesetas!" the Merchant replied. (Dirt cheap, since the cheapest items he sells are 5000 and up...)

"That cheap?" HUNK handed the Merchant a box of gold coins. "Hand him over..."

"Heh heh heh... Thank you," the Merchant chuckled as he took the box of coins. He untied Leon and shoved him over the counter. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, I'd like to register a complaint with your manager!" Leon snarled as he got up off the floor.

"Shut up, you idiot. Do you have a gun?" HUNK grumbled.

"Nope. Can I have his?" Leon pointed at the Red9 pistol Luis had.

"Only if I can have his," Luis pointed at HUNK's TMP.

"Um, no," HUNK replied quickly.

"Then no," Luis shook his head.

"But I want it! Yo, Goggle Guy, buy me a gun like his!" Leon barked.

"Excuse me?" HUNK looked over at the Merchant. "Do you offer refunds?"

"No, but I do sell guns, remember?" the Merchant pointed at the vast amount of weapons in the room.

"Gimme what this goes to," Leon held up a large artillery shell.

"Give me the weakest weapon you've got..." HUNK whispered as he handed the Merchant another box of gold.

-----------

HUNK, Leon, and Luis climbed the ladder to leave the underground gun shop. Leon now had a pistol. Just a plain, simple pistol with no extra bullets. "What was he saying about me being a meat shield?" Leon asked HUNK as they entered a large open area with 3 huts in the corner of it.

"Nothing, nothing at all," Luis smiled. Suddenly, the gate slammed shut behind them, as did the door at the other side of the room. Two large doors on the opposite side of the arena creaked open, and several villagers came running out. "Uh oh..." Luis stared in horror.

"What? Is there a problem?" Leon watched the men as they pulled on two large ropes. Suddenly, a large behemoth of a beast smashed through the doors, ripping them off their hinges and hurling them haphazardly across the room. Leon, HUNK, Luis, and the villagers all stared at what could only be described as a Troll.

"Mierda..." one guy muttered. Without warning, the troll grabbed two guys and smashed them into the dirt. It then stomped on another guy. The troll kicked one villager, and then crashed two more with his hands. Finally, after he had stomped on the last villager, he turned to face the three men staring at it.

"Yeah, there's a problem..." Luis answered Leon's question.

"Hey Leon, do us a favor and stand right here..." HUNK started to inch away as the creature started to walk towards them.

"What?! I ain't doing nothing for you!" Leon barked. "You stole my mission from me, jerk!"

"No he didn't! You got it back! Your mission says you have to kill that big thing for us!" Luis pointed at the Troll.

"Really?" Leon smiled. "Okay, then!" Leon brandished his pistol and ran at the troll, firing wildly at the beast. "YEAAAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!" he yelled.

The troll stared at him for a second. It wondered why the little runt was causing mosquito bites to appear on his arms. The troll shrugged, and then backhanded Leon. The poor American flew through the air and smashed into one of the huts. "Dude," Luis was trying hard not to laugh, "You're friend just got pimp-slapped by a troll."

"I know..." HUNK shook his head. "Oh well, lets kill it..."

"No problemo!" Luis exclaimed as he drew his Red9.

But it was a problemo. Several minutes later, Luis and HUNK were battered, bruised, and low on ammo. "That thing is tough!" Luis exclaimed as he reloaded his weapon.

"I know..." HUNK panted for breath. Suddenly, the troll ripped a tree out of the ground and took a few practise swings. "Crap."

"You got any more of those grenades?" Luis asked HUNK.

"One..." he replied.

"USE IT!!!" Luis yelled.

"Okay..." HUNK shrugged and pulled a grenade from his belt. He pulled the pin and hurled it at the troll. The grenade exploded, blowing up the tree in its hand and shredding the troll with shrapnel and splinters. The troll bellowed in agony and pain and dropped to its knees. Suddenly, its back split open and a large worm-looking thing burst from its back.

"EW, WHAT THE CRAP IS THAT?!" Leon pointed at the mass of writhing tentacles as he stumbled from the wreckage of the hut.

"Well, when a mommy troll and a daddy troll love each other, they-" Luis was cut off by the loud sound of HUNK's TMP firing. HUNK emptied the whole clip into the King of the Brain-Squids, causing it to shriek and explode in a mass of blood and slime. The troll roared in agony, then fell over. Sure enough, it landed on top of Leon.

"Dude," Luis pointed at the dead troll, "You're friend just got-"

"Okay, you're seriously getting on my nerves now," HUNK growled as he walked towards the now-open exit. "Shut up!"

"Well you don't have to be so rude..." Luis muttered.

"Merroooo?" the muffled voice of Leon called out from under the troll. "Merrooooooooo? Mrap..."

* * *

He said Hello and Crap if you couldn't tell... Review, please! 


	8. Chapter 8

Writer's block followed by pneumonia have been the reason for my long delay. Without further interuptions, here is the final chapter of Resident Evil 4: HUNK Style!

Enjoy.

* * *

Agent HUNK and Luis made their way back up the catwalks along the cliffs towards the church. However, when they got to the church, they found it surrounded by wolves. "Any more grenades?" Luis asked HUNK as he backed away from the approaching wolves. 

"Nope..." HUNK shouldered his TMP and fired at the nearest wolf as it dove at him. The burst of lead ripped through the creatures skull, and it dropped to the ground inches from him. The other two wolves howled at the loss of their comrade, and then lunged forward with their fanges bared. Luis opened fire with his Red9, wounding one of the wolves and slowing it down. HUNK released a withering hail of gunfire on the two canine creatures, and within seconds they were dead. He continued on towards the church's front door without a word.

"Yo, I'm gonna stay out here, that alright?" Luis suggested as HUNK opened the front door with the wierd key he'd found in the cave.

"Be my guest," HUNK replied gruffly. And with that, he dissappeared into the church.

"And now to wait..." Luis sat down on the steps. "What I'd give for a smoke right now..."

---

Meanwhile, HUNK explored the church. He bashed open some boxes and found some ammo, and then he stole all the money from the offering box. He felt no guilt, as this wasn't a church for his religeon. He didn't worship brain eating squids, that was for sure. HUNK made his way upstairs, performed some stunts with a chandelier, and then solved a stupid puzzle with lights in order to remove some iron bars from his path. "Who comes up with these pointless puzzles? I mean, really..." HUNK grumbled.

He made his way over to the door he'd just cleared a path to. Cautiously, he opened it. He entered the room, and was met with a wooden box soaring straight at his face. "GET AWAY FROM ME!!!" a young woman screamed.

HUNK batted away the box with his left arm easily. "I'm an agent of the US government. I'm here to save you, Ashley."

The young woman huddled in the corner stared at him. "Really?" she stood up. "My father sent you?"

"Yeah, c'mon, lets get out of here," HUNK held the door open for her. "But I should let you know, I've got two guys working with me that are insane..."

"If they're insane, why are they working with you?" Ashley stared at him in confusion.

"Because I don't have the heart to pull the trigger..." he shook his head. "Now lets go..."

---

"YOU LEFT ME!!!" Leon snarled at Luis, who was calmly leaning against the door to the church. "YOU LEFT ME TO DIE!!!"

"Correction," Luis smirked. "We left you for dead."

"EXACTLY!!!" Leon yelled. He had somehow clawed his way from beneath the corpse of El Gigante, and now he was _mad_.

"Oh well, nothing you can say now will make a difference..." Luis shrugged.

"Yes, there is! I can go in there, save the President's daughter, and become a hero!" Leon growled.

Luis opened the door and pointed into the church. "Go for it dude..."

"I will..." Leon sneered.

---

HUNK and Ashley made their way back down to the bottom floor of the church. As they walked towards the front door, a voice made them freeze in their tracks. "Where do you think you're going?"

"Home?" HUNK turned to face the person talking. Some old guy was standing at the other side of the church. He was wearing a purple robe, and had a wierd staff in his hand. "Who are you?"

"Osmond Salazar. I am the proprietor of the Los Illuminados, and you're taking my property from me," he smiled.

"Property?" HUNK looked at Ashley.

"Yes, property..." Salazar started to walk towards them.

HUNK started to think. Should he run for it? Stay and chat? Blow the guy's head off? Each idea could work, or it could backfire. "So what's your big plan, anyway?" HUNK asked. Maybe if he could keep the guy talking, he could come up with a plan. This guy looked like a long-winded and talkative villian.

"My plan? Well, I might as well tell you, since I'm going to kill you. My plan is..." And so, Salazar commenced to rant and rave about his brilliant plan of taking over the planet with brain-eating squid. HUNK just nodded along, pretending to listen while he plotted his escape. When he realized that this guy was too caught up in himself to pay attention, HUNK just walked across the room, grabbed the guy, and broke his neck.

"Talkative, wasn't he?" HUNK threw the man's limp corpse to the ground. However, Ashley didn't reply. "Ashley?"

HUNK turned to see why Ashley was being so quiet. He let out a sigh when he saw her to be gone and the door to the church to be open. In the distance, he could see the outline of two men running away. One seemed to be carrying a third person. HUNK could hear the all-too familiar voices of Leon and Luis. "I hate those guys. I really do."

---

And so, Leon and Luis went off and escaped with President's daughter. They somehow found a way out of the village, and they returned to civilization. They were treated as heroes and rescuers. Luis went on to become a Nobel Prize winning scientist and researcher. Leon recieved several awards and rose through the ranks of the secret service. Ashley had been infected with the Las Plagas, but the death of Salazar had caused the parasite inside her to croak as well. Anybody else who would have had a mature Plagas in them would have died instantly, of course. When questioned about Agent HUNK, Luis and Ashley said they had no idea who he was. Leon informed them that his replacement had died at the hands of crazed villagers. And so, everyone lived on their merry little lives like nothing had every happened. Agent HUNK dissappeared, and was never heard from again.

THE END.

---

-

-

-

-

-

-

---

"You're lucky I was assigned to a mission here. You're the last person I expected to meet, of course..." the mysterious woman in red smirked at Agent HUNK. She'd found him wandering the woods near village, and now they were both sitting in the back of a dim-lit helicopter, flying away from the Nightmare.

"Hmph. Long time, no see, Ada..." HUNK allowed himself to relax into the comfy seat of the helicopter.

"So what have you been up to?" Ada asked.

"Doing odd jobs for the feds..." HUNK replied. "You?"

"Working for Wesker," Ada replied with a sly smile.

"Wesker?" HUNK bolted upright.

"Yep. Wesker..." Ada continued to smile. "He's been looking for you..."

"Really?" HUNK leaned back into the shadows. "What for?"

"He has a offer for you," Ada replied. "We're working to rebuild Umbrella. We need muscle. Are you interested?"

HUNK stared at her through the lenses of his goggles in silence. Slowly, he reached up and unstrapped his helmet. He placed it on the seat beside him, and then removed his mask and put it down as well. He then leaned forward into the light. Sweat was dripping from his blonde hair, and his cold green eyes were focused on Ada with deadly precision. His bearded face wore a dead-serious expression. He stared at her, and she stared at him. Then he smiled. "Where do I sign?"

* * *

THE END. 


End file.
